Breastfeeding-The First 6 Months

"How hard could it be?  Women have been feeding their babies since the beginning of time.  It's natural, it's part of our bodies.  Shouldn't it just work? "

Those were my initial thoughts about breastfeeding.  I knew before I was pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed and I had specific reasons why it was the best choice for me and my baby.  Throughout pregnancy I researched all the many benefits of breast milk (which I won't go into here because google has 1 million pages already published) and I was even more encouraged to get started.  I NEVER imagined how incredibly hard this journey would be...

From the moment our baby girl was born it just didn't click.  We didn't get a good latch.  Immediately after birth I was given a "nipple shield" to use to help Claire latch on.  The days following her birth brought on below freezing temps, inches of frozen ice on the roads and snow pouring down...that was more than enough to shut this city down---we are in Texas after all folks!  That left me and Kevin stuck in our house with a crying and hungry newborn baby not even a day old.  I quickly learned how much our society keeps breastfeeding hush, hush.

After all, I am certainly not the first woman to have this struggle, yet I am all alone.  Why hadn't I heard about all of these challenges and struggles before?  Why don't we hear more about this?  Is it because we are ashamed that it's difficult, feeling guilty it didn't work???  We should be encouraging and open about this so that we can help others...that is why I am writing this.  Not to make anyone feel bad about their journey, but to share with complete honesty our journey and maybe help another mom somewhere along the way.  I don't ever want anyone to experience what we did or feel how I felt.

When Claire was only 24 hours old we ventured out onto streets covered in 2 inches of ice and snow to drive her to a doctor  because we thought she was tongue tied--he said she wasn't--turns out that 3 months later we found out she really was....oh how I wonder how that first 3 months may have been different if only we had known then what we know now- hind sight is always 20/20.

We came home.  I felt sad.  The doctor basically told me that some woman just "can't breast feed".  My milk wasn't in, Claire couldn't latch to get the colostrum, she was crying and I was beyond exhausted.  Against my better judgement we were later instructed to give her an ounce of formula here and there to keep her full.  (that didn't go well for her as you will later read) It was heartbreaking to me because I felt like my main job was to feed her and I wasn't able to do so, but no one could tell me why.  I felt like it was something wrong with me and was ridden with guilt and feelings of failure. We didn't even have any formula in the house because we didn't know we would need it.  We couldn't leave again because the weather was too dangerous and we barely made it to the doctor and back.  I was so wrapped in guilt that she was feeling this way and here we were without anything to feed her.  I remembered some formula samples came in the mail and they were outside in the garage so we just had to use whatever sample it was- it didn't agree well with her digestive system- that was rough on top of everything else.

The next day I tracked down the phone number to a lactation consultant who has turned out to be an angel in my life.  In tears of exhaustion and sleep deprivation I explained our situation.  She could not get to our house due to the ice.  We were on our own for another 3 days.  It was awful, so awful.  My heart felt so heavy.  Why, why couldn't this work?  At 10:00 at night my lactation consultant was on the phone explaining to me how to assemble my breast pump which was still packaged in hopes I might not need it and could get $300 store credit back! HA!  Boy did I need it and and thank God my mom had gotten it for me!  (love you mom!)  Pumping seemed so strange at first.  I was so confused I had to ask my neighbor to come over and help me put all the parts together.  Remember I had not slept in about 3 days now.

Pumping was devastating. NOTHING came out.  20 minutes and not a drop.  I was really getting worried now and could not understand why I couldn't provide for my baby.  Claire was not reacting well at all the to formula.  She was crying even harder and was constipated.  She cried all through the night.   I thought she was having a reaction to the formula so I started searching on google the effects of giving newborns formula and my heart was truly crushed.  Of course the internet can make any new, sleep deprived mom spin into a whirlwind of worry when you start searching for things like that.  I was crushed because I had not prepared for this.  I didn't understand why I could not provide for her and why this was happening.  "Where was the milk, why won't she latch? Why won't this work?  What am I doing wrong?  Is she even getting the colostrum that everyone has told me is soooo important?  How do I keep her nourished, keep her alive if I can't feed her?  Is she going to be okay?  Is the formula causing a bad reaction for her?"  All these thoughts overwhelmed me in the midst of the worst ice storm of my life in those first few days after just giving birth.  We were completely iced in, no one could get to us to help, our water pipes were frozen, we couldn't leave the house, we were running low on food for ourselves and I had a brand new baby that I couldn't feed for the life of me...it was just way more than I had anticipated.  With the frozen pipes and only a few water bottles remaining I started to worry I wouldn't even be able to make the formula if we ran out of water.  There was nothing more that I have ever wanted than to be able to just put her to the breast and nurse her, yet it was the one thing I just could not do.  My first challenge as a mom and I felt like the world was coming down on me.  The weather made the circumstances so much more extreme and intensified the severity of the situation.  I was DETERMINED to make this work.

So, our lactation consultant (LC for short) told me in addition to trying to nurse Claire every two hours for as long as I could keep her (somewhat) latched on and awake I also needed to pump for 20 minutes while doing breast compressions with the help of my sweet husband.  We did this AROUND THE CLOCK for 2 weeks.  There was no sleep to be had.  By the time I finished nursing and pumping and got it all cleaned up we had about 20-30 min before it started all over again.  I had never known what tired was until that time in my life.  All I remember is pumping and pumping and pumping.

Finally my milk came in!  Hallelujah!  Only then it seemed like there was too much-- great!  Are you kidding me?  Finally it evened out around the 3rd week or so.  Still though- we could not get a good latch, but we had a baby scale from the LC and we could weigh Claire before and after her feedings to see that she was getting what she needed, so that was SUCH a relief (or so I thought...we'll get to that later).  I continued to weigh her until her intake was consistent and then returned the scale to the LC.

As time went on Claire and I struggled with every feeding.  The nipple shield was a TRUE NIGHTMARE!  It constantly fell off and had to be washed and sanitized, not to mention how many times I lost that darn thing in those middle of the night feedings.  I grew to truly dislike that thing!  By around 3-4 weeks Claire was taking 1 hour MINIMUM to nurse.  Most of the time it took an hour and a half each time.  My LC had been out so many times I had lost count.  I couldn't understand why it was taking her soooo long!  I spent ALL of my DAY nursing her.  I remember not being able to use the restroom, not being able to eat because if I stopped nursing her the screaming was so loud it pierced my ears.  I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it could be.  I never thought that nursing was the cause of her crying because we had confirmed she was getting enough milk.

Claire grew to hate nursing-but there was no clear reason why.  She would kick, scratch, scream, arch and cry every time.  We went to the doctor.  He thought it was reflux.  Again, against my better judgement she went on prevacid for the "acid reflux".  I was quite certain she didn't have that based on her symptoms and after no improvement we stopped that.  Claire's screaming grew and grew.  For weeks I could not even talk to Kevin over the sounds of her screams.  I moved into the guest room so Kevin could sleep to go to work.  My life was a complete whirlwind of nursing, screaming and misery.  If it wasn't acid reflux then maybe it was an allergy to something in my diet so I eliminated dairy, then chicken, then gluten...until I felt like there was nothing left to eat.  We tried everything.  We no longer had the scale anymore, but since we had used it before the LC and I thought we had eliminated the possibility that Claire was not getting enough milk.  Because of our unique situation and all of the restrictions on my diet my doctor and lactation consultant worried that formula would not be good for Claire's tummy and that told me they felt breastmilk was still the best thing for her, which I agreed with as well and it gave me more will to continue on.

I remember Claire refusing to eat and screaming and crying to the point where I just got down on my knees and prayed to God that He would help me because I just could not go on like this for one more moment.  I cried and cried right along with Claire.  I was truly devastated and heartbroken.

At Claire's 3 month appointment the doctor weighed her and we found that she only gained .2 pounds in a month, which is waaaayyyy less than normal.  He suggested pumping 1 bottle a day for her.  I thought I would be lucky to get that.  How on earth do you pump enough for an entire bottle with a screaming baby?  The next day I went to my LC again.  We found that in 20 minutes of nursing Claire took in .2 ounces. It should have been more like 3 or 4 ounces!  This was very concerning.  It turns out that once my supply regulated it was harder for Claire to nurse and for the past 8-10 weeks she was working harder and getting less and less.  I had no idea this was even possible or that it was happening.  I felt like the worst mom in the world knowing that she had been so hungry.  My thought was that after all that nursing everyday she had to be getting plenty of milk.  My LC suggested I pump for her for an entire day and bottle feed her to see how she does.  This seemed absolutely impossible.  I cried at that appointment saying, "I just want to feed my baby.  Why does this have to be so hard?"  I rented a hospital grade pump in hopes I would be able to pump more milk because I was a very slow pumper and left the appointment trying to "pump" myself up about pumping.  I went to Le Leche League meetings in hopes of finding support and finding other moms who had been through what I was going through.  It was nice to hear others had done away with the nipple shield and it gave me hope.

At this time I realized that because the demand was so low, my supply was almost completely gone.  I mean nothing, nada.  At first I was a very slow pumper.  I was lucky to cover the bottom of each bottle.  I took all the herbs I could, ate oatmeal, baked lactation cookies, drank water...everything under the sun! I pumped every 2 hours around the clock, at playgroups, in my car, airport terminals, on airplanes, while I was driving---yes that's right, while I was driving.  I spent more hours on that pump than I ever care to remember.  Finally after about 2-3 weeks my supply was matching Claire's needs! AMEN!  And fortunately I had a small stash of about 15 ounces in the freezer that got me though it when I didn't have enough.  I had to pump religiously every 3 hours.  I could take a break between 11pm-5am.    Oh-I forgot to mention Claire wouldn't take a bottle, but once we got over that hurdle she was putting on weight and was a happier baby---other than the fact that she showered you with spit up at every feeding.  Seriously- bottles are not a good thing for her!  Cleaning all those pump parts felt like a never ending task at the end of each day.

Pumping fixed part of the problem- but made it impossible for me to do anything outside of the home unless I could pump while I was there.  I knew that this was "working" but I couldn't imagine doing it an entire year.  I lived on that pump.  I was on it at least 5-6 hours a day.  Eventually I could get 35 ounces a day!  I was always fearful of not having enough so I let my freezer stash grow and grow with the extra 5-10 ounces I was able to get each day.  

Finally a chiropractor I know sent me a link to a blog about a baby with all of Claire's symptoms.  I couldn't believe it.  I knew at that moment that this was the answer I had prayed for.  That is what led us to take the trip to NY for Claire's oral surgery.  You can read about that here.

Shortly after her surgery she began to nurse full time again.  OH MY GOODNESS!!  What a joy it was.  I had so much time back in my life again.  Time to spend with her, time to hold her, time to kiss her and love her!  And she was doing great!  Nursing for only about 30 minutes every 3 hours or so!  I felt like I was finally able to cook again, heck I even swept the floors and washed my hair!  My life had been totally consumed with trying to feed my baby.  I couldn't believe it was finally working.  I continued to weigh her before and after every feeding for nearly 6 weeks to make sure she was getting at least 25-30oz per day before I finally let go of the scale, let go of the spreadsheets and tried to let go of that fear that I couldn't provide enough for her.

If anyone is still reading this, I am writing this not only to document our journey, but also to offer hope and inspiration for anyone who is struggling.  It took us 5 months to get it all to work, but I am so glad that we did.  My friend Stacy (mother of 4) told me in the beginning of my struggles that everyday that I could feed her my breast milk is a gift.  I never forgot that.  I never knew how many more days I could go, but I knew that each day was a gift.  I am so grateful for the friends and family in my life who supported us through this time.  I am so glad that we made it where we are!  I have learned a lot and I hope to be able to help others know how amazing the benefits of breastfeeding are for you and your baby and to offer hope to moms who are struggling.   One of my favorite websites is http://www.kellymom.com/  This is a great evidence based website that offers help about all the challenges that come up!  Great articles about let down, increasing supply, etc.  

Now at 6 months we are finally there!  We made it!  We are exclusively nursing.  Claire only gets pumped breast milk bottles if I have to go somewhere like the dentist and my mom or Kevin has to feed her- which is rare.  Today is our first hiccup- she has been refusing to nurse and I have been pumping for her which brought back all these old feelings and made me want to document them here.  Hopefully this little "nursing strike" will be short lived--it's seems like it's always something, but it's always worth it! 

Last month I was needing to clear out some space in my freezer and donated 95 ounces of milk that was about to expire.  I was so glad that I could help a baby in need.  Strange to think that just months ago I was the mom with a baby in need who I was struggling to provide for.  If you have extra milk or need milk for your little one check out Human Milk For Babies.  I wish I had known about this site at the time Claire was born. 

From nursing 15 hours a day and losing supply, 5 hours a day pumping, a flight to NY for oral surgery and lots of determination to sharing 95 ounces, getting rid of that darn nipple shield and nursing exclusively...this is the story of our first 6 months!

I share this story not for you to say "Great job Kelly", (I never felt like this was about me) but for those moms out there who might be feeling the way I was.  It was just the smallest words of encouragement or stories that I could relate to that made me feel less guilty in the beginning and gave me hope that we could make it just  one  more  day.

Needless to say, I sure hope that the next 6 months are a little less eventful!