From 1 to 2

I have wanted to write this post for weeks now...and just haven't had a moment in time to sit down and do it.  The truth is, if I had written this post a few weeks ago it wouldn't even say what this one will.  To be honest, I can hardly remember much about the past 8 weeks.  I mean, I remember the BIG things, the really important things, and the special things...but the day-to-day things are all a big blur.  What I do remember though, is that it has been hard, really hard.  Some days I feel like I have got this...those are the best days.  Other days I feel like I am swimming up river.  I observed my friends with two kids at playgroups and thought, "oh yea, I can do that.  I've got this." HA- then real life happened and it's a lot busier, demanding and chaotic than the two hours I observed at playgroup!!

{FYI-This post will be filled with real-life, in-the-moment shots...no make up, I may not have even brushed my hair or looked in a mirror for two, possibly even 3 days...haha!  But, this is life right now and I want to remember it!}

Going from one to two doesn't seem like that much more, it's only ONE more...but somehow that one more feels like ten more sometimes.  Seriously...am I the only one?  Thank goodness I know I am not.  I am so glad that so many moms of three or four have told me the leap from one to two is by far the hardest.  

Let's preface the rest of this post by saying how much I LOVE my kids and how much I LOVE being their mom.  There is nothing in this world I would rather be doing and I try to soak up every single moment, even the pain staking ones...but let's be honest...that doesn't mean that it can't be hard too.

First of all, it is emotionally hard.  I used to be able to be there for Claire at the drop of a hat.  If she had a boo-boo, or needed help with something I could be there.  We could plan ours days with activities she loves like splash parks, pools, trips to the mall and I could be there to swing her, run with her, play with her, hold her on the carousel...whatever it may be.  The first day that Kevin went back to work after Clark was born Claire asked me, "Mama, what are we going to do today?"  Which was what she always asked me before and I would reply with a fun day of activities.  Now, we still do our best to attend these activities, but it is much harder.  I am not nearly as present in her life as I once was and it kills me.  I am often on the sidelines swooshing a crying baby, in the car nursing during an outdoor birthday party or rushing us home in fear that any moment Clark is about to scream in hunger and I know we still have to unload all the cold groceries and put them away before I can feed him for 40 minutes....I know it will get easier in time and this is only a season...but it is still hard.  I want so badly to be there for her like I always have been and still be there for Clark like I always was for Claire...and that is soooo hard.  I end some days wondering if I was enough for each of them...some days I have given my all, given my best and I just don't know if it was enough for anyone...you know what I mean?

Secondly, it is logistically a challenge in ways I continue to learn.  We learned that the Kroger shopping carts just won't cut it for two kids!  Claire sits in the front and Clark's carrier takes up the ENTIRE open space in the cart because of a little bread basket they have in the front!  So, on this particular day I had to lift Clark in his carrier to put in every single item...and it was his nap time...so I had to be so careful and sooo gentle not to wake him, which I did, of course.

We have now learned that Market Street has much better carts!!  YAY- we can fit two kids and still get some groceries!!  WOO-HOO!!

Oh, and yes...I know there are some shopping carts with the little cars on the front of them and if one day I overcome my fear of the quantity of germs they are covered in...I might...might use them!!  On this particular trip, they definitely were in need of a major wash down...I mean really gross!!

Third-- nursing!  Whew---this is tough!  It is getting better, and that is why we always stick with it...but it has been HARD!  Clark would nurse for 45 minutes every 3 hours which meant there were a lot of times I was stuck on the couch.  I wish I was the mom who could whip out the nursing cover and latch on the baby anywhere she goes...but I have accepted I am not.  We need a pillow, the nipple shield, and lots of patience!!  Recently he has started to nurse sometimes without the shield and that cuts the time down in half almost, which has made a WORLD of difference!  It should only get better from here!!!  

Claire took this picture of Clark and I with my iPhone!

Fourth- getting out of the house!  OH.  MY.  GOODNESS.  It is like packing for a weekend trip to go anywhere!  There is soooo much to bring. This is my usual thought process before leaving...

"Water and snack for Claire, diapers for both, make sure the wipes aren't out, nursing pillow (you never know), nursing cover, nipple shield, iPod for Claire if I have to nurse in the car...make sure it's charged, iPhone for me, water for me, get Clark fed, change his diaper, change Claire's diaper, get shoes on Claire...get everyTHING into the car, get everyONE into the car...oh wait...let the dog out...and remember to let her back in, lock the door...woops...I never got ready...oh well, we are already running late and Clark is about to have to eat again in an hour and a half so we better just go!" And some days Claire isn't ready either...and that is okay.  Some days she gets to go to the grocery store like this...and that is okay too!  PJ's and Tiaras...only when you are two!

FIFTH- speaking of getting ready...I have given up showers in the morning!  Forget it...it is a luxury to put make up on these days.  Ponytails have never been soooo  good.

There are other things like the lack of sleep and carrying around the extra baby weight that some moms seem to lose the moment their babies pop out...how is that possible???  Then there is the state of the home...oh my...oh my!  Where do I begin?  How is it possible for the house to become such a wreck so fast and somehow there is literally NO time to clean it.  Dishes from dinner aren't cleared off the table until 10pm, the dishwasher isn't unloaded for days, toys are EvEryWhERe, I can't even remember which bills are due when because the mail just keeps coming and coming, laundry is never ending and folding clothes is my idea of a break!!  It can take 2 days to write one thank-you note since as soon as I start something I have to stop it...all the time!  It drives me in-sane!!  I can't seem to accomplish anything...but it is only for a season...

Thank Gosh that I am finally getting a handle on some of this stuff thanks to paper plates, not caring as much and Claire and Clark usually taking an afternoon nap at the same time now, can I get an AMEN for that!!  Whoever thinks that stay-at-home moms have nothing to do should come visit us for a day!  This does not mesh well with my super organized, type A personality...not well at all.  In fact, the thought of it makes me cringe!  But, it is only for a season...

At the end of the day the mess doesn't matter, the fact that I can only wear elastic waist bands is unknown to most of those around me and truthfully I won't remember how hard it is.  I won't remember what it really feels like to be this tired.  I know it is true because I forgot with Claire,  and somehow at 8 weeks I am already starting to forget with Clark, or maybe I am just so tired I can't process it.  :)  Either way, I won't remember.

I will look back and remember all the good times and wish for them again.  It is hard to know that I am living the best days of my life and that every moment is so fleeting.  I wish I could bottle it all up and relive it again and again.  

So, since I won't remember, that is what this post is about. 

I don't want to forget because someday my kids might feel this way when they are parents and I want to truly remember what I once felt like so I can help them.  I want other moms who read this to know they are not alone, we are all in this together and thank goodness that we are!  One day I hope to help someone out by just letting them go ahead of me in line, or helping them push their cart of groceries while they push their cart of kids...it might be hard, but it also has showed me how wonderful people are.  People I don't even know, who help me when I need it the most.  It truly takes a village.

These are the best days of my life.  They ARE hard, but they are beautiful, they are messy, they are exhausting, they stretch me and make me grow in ways I never knew were possible.  

These are the days I have waited to live my whole life and the days I will want to live again when my house is quiet, my kids are grown, my bills are paid, my mail is sorted, my house is clean (imagine that)...but somehow I have a feeling those things won't be nearly as important to me as I think they are now...because I know that I will just wish for my grown-up children to be little again, and that is what I remember when things get tough.  

I sure do love these two and I am SOOO blessed to be their mommy!