I'll be honest; it hurts...

I am painfully aware of how fast this time flies by and I'll be totally honest; my heart is so heavy with sadness that the last 7 weeks or so have been filled with crying.  It completely breaks my heart and in a way I feel that I have lost so much time with Claire that I will never get back.  All day, everyday I try to understand what is causing her to cry so much.  I constantly think, "maybe it's this...maybe it's that..."  I don't know where the time goes, it's just endless efforts of trying to calm her.  I feel so terrible about it.  There was one day, 2 days ago that she was so happy.  I truly couldn't believe it.  I LOVED the person that she was that day so much and I truly felt that she loved me too. It's like we were meeting each other for the first time and I never wanted to let that moment go.  I soooo wanted that feeling to last....it was true happiness.  My heart was overjoyed.  For the first time ever we went to the grocery store and she wasn't screaming and crying.  So many people stopped to tell me how beautiful she was and what a good baby she was.  Such a different world than the one where people look at you with eyes that say, "Geez, can't you get that baby to stop", the world where you feel that people judge your parenting skills by the sounds of your crying baby.  That world is full of pain and longing for a happy moment, just one moment in the day where she is not crying.  Looking back there are large lapses of time that I have no memory of.  All I do is nurse for nearly 7-10 hours a day and try to keep Claire happy.  My heart feels empty sometimes at the end of the day when I have tried and tried to get her to stop crying and yet there she is purple in the face as I hold her in my arms and she cries and cries.  It is the most awful feeling.  Deep down I know it's not my fault.  I love her more than words could ever say, my efforts to help her are endless and I would do anything for her.  People always say that you should cherish this time because it goes so fast....I am trying to...I am trying soooo hard to do that.  I don't want to wish this time away but it is so hard, so, so, so hard.  I desperately want her to be the happy baby that I dreamed of, that I see so many other people have.  I may never know what causes her to cry so much, but now I know from that one day of happiness who she longs to be and she is the sweetest, cutest most loving little baby girl I have ever known.  That smile of hers melted my heart again and again.  It is so heartbreaking to think that there is something causing her to cry so much that she can't be that person.

I know this blog post sounds like I am a complete wreck, and I'll be honest there are some moments when I probably am...but honestly I am okay.  I know this will pass and I know that we will get through this...the hard part is that I don't want "to pass" or "get through" this....I wish I could be enjoying this time, rather than waiting for it to get better...that is what hurts.  Each day with Claire is such a blessing, such a privilege to finally have this baby that we have prayed for and waited so long for.  I am so thankful for her and I want so badly to just soak her up and hold her and cuddle with her and snuggle together, but that's hard to do while she's screaming and kicking...believe me, I've tried, but it hurts my ears!  I want to cherish every moment.  I love her soooo very much.  I am starting to see more happy times than before so I know that the time will come that we can enjoy being a family without the intensity of all the crying.

Please don't think that I have lost my mind or that I am spiraling into some sort of depression, that is not the case.  I am just honest and this is what we are going through right now and it sucks!  I am not going to pretend it is anything different.  I really am okay.  When I hold my baby girl the world stops and my heart is filled with joy in the moments she is not crying.  It is the best feeling in the world.  God challenges us and stretches us to help us grow.  We might not understand why things are the way they are, but that is not our job to understand....our job is to believe and have faith.  I believe that God is in control and that He will help us find out what is bothering Claire or lead us through this time until she improves.  I am not worried.  We've been through tough times before...this is just what happens, it's part of life and we'll come through even stronger because of it, we always do.

ahhh- I feel so much better after writing all this out.  Off to bed now, before Claire wakes up to eat again!